You lost me

I was in the middle of responding to a co-worker's question about my personal life. It had been a while since we talked and she was eager to hear about how things were going, particularly for my brother. 

I was telling her how well he was doing compared to the first of the year, when he was going under the knife to remove a section of bowel due to colon cancer. I have talked about the phenomenon of miracle after miracle that has happened before in this blog, so I won't repeat it all here. But the most recent miracle bears repeating - after his heart attack on October 25 and the stent operation he had (while conscious) on October 30, not only has his energy and endurance increased, but his kidney function has improved. 

Creatinine is one of the body's waste products that the kidneys are supposed to process, and a normal count in the bloodstream is a maximum of 113 μmol per liter (a μmol is a weight measure that is 1/1000 the size of that molecule, thank you Doctor Google... haha). The higher the number is, the less able the kidneys are to do their job. Earlier this year, my brother's numbers were close to 600 of these per liter (showing his kidneys were functioning at about 15% of normal). Now, they are at 225, or functioning at around 50%. 

His surgeon can't explain it. 

Of course believers know immediately what happened: God did it.

But as I was telling this lady about the numbers and saying that we knew what happened but the doctors wouldn't believe it - she was so interested and engaged and wanted to know what it was. So I told her it was "somebody bigger than you or I" - referring to God - and that's when I got "the look."

Her smile disappeared. Her eyes glazed over and she rolled them a bit (even though she tried not to.) Her whole attitude changed from interested and engaged to merely polite. She moved her body a bit farther from me.

In that moment, I knew that I'd lost her: I'd lost her interest and I'd lost her respect. I was "one of THOSE." Every negative experience she'd ever had with super-zealot church people - and I am willing to bet there was a lifetime of them - was behind that look. I've seen it before, and quite frankly, I've felt as she did before. It's not a good feeling to feel on either side of the fence.

Now, I get that some people are going to react that way. I get that. Some might argue that it was just "persecution" - but I beg to differ because persecution is what believers are experiencing overseas in anti-christian regimes - people literally losing their heads over it. But this lady's reaction - that almost gut-sick response - got me to thinking about the years of hurt (likely from judgment, shame and guilt coming from so-called Christians) that went into how she lost interest so quickly, and that makes me so very angry. Jesus' message is about love and acceptance, forgiveness and hope - and the people who had interacted with her had most likely given her nothing but the opposite. That kind of bigotry, all done in the name of God, really scorches my tail-feathers.

Photo, "Little Boy Covering His Face"
courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at
www.freedigitalphotos.net

I've often thought about how the way believers talk actually excludes and shuns people who might otherwise flock to us. All those hallelujahs and amens ... the little turns of phrase we learn in the organized church ... they all seem to be part of the secret-handshake kind of we're-in-you're-out mentality. And the judgment!!  One wonderful man told me his story of how, as a child, a church leader asked him how he was. He replied, "Good." The man immediately said, "Oh no you're not. 'There is none good, no not one.' " And he quoted the Scripture reference to back it up. I know that that verse is in the Bible, but how he used it was as a weapon, not anything else. In that moment, because of his judgment and condemnation, he lost that little boy for the gospel. It took that child years to recover from that kind of rejection, which he consistently got from everybody in the church (how sad!!), and it took him several decades to be able to start to accept God's love for him - and that was only because God Himself took the initiative. And that is only one person. How many thousands are like him? How many struggle with rejection every day of their lives because they've been hurt by someone who claimed to represent God?

How many people - when we stand before the Almighty One - will say to us, "You lost me"? How many could we have shown love to, but we were too high and mighty to stop our holiness marches long enough to care for them? How many times were we too busy proving we were right, and jumping on every single cuss word or behavior we didn't agree with? Is that really necessary? (God's a big boy, He doesn't need our protection, and I am pretty sure His Spirit does a far better job than we can of convincing people that He's real...) 

I'm talking to me, too - I've done it! Intending to show we are different, to stand out in the crowd, we end up doing nothing but pushing people away by telling them what they SHOULD be doing, and condemning them for NOT doing it. Wow... How tragic is that!

Ruach El - God's breath

The above Hebrew term is normally translated "the Spirit of God" - but ruach in the Hebrew means breath. That breath is warm, loving, true, gracious, good, lovely, pure, and kind. 

I have noticed something disturbing when I spend time on social media (and I spend more time than most people my age on social media!)  Whenever someone posts a story of something they have experienced or of something that someone else has done that is truly inspirational, and makes the average person smile and believe that there is some goodness in the world after all ... and that person does not mention God in his or her post, there will invariably be that one person (or more) who will judge the person who posted the story for not "witnessing" or pointing the conversation to eternal things.  

In the comments that follow such judgmental comments, there is always a backlash against the person who so commented.  Usually those folks who react the most angrily are those who have been wounded by Christians before (big surprise, huh.) That should tell us something right there.  We often do more harm than good by our insistence on hijacking someone else's story to promote our own agenda.

Here's the thing.  God isn't looking for watchdogs; He's looking for worshippers.  He's a big boy and He can defend Himself, and He can do what He wants whenever He wants ... without our help.  He is not looking for people to jump all over someone (who has been kind and considerate to the less fortunate) just because they weren't "missional." (By the way, my blog's spell-check does not even recognize the word 'missional.')  Jesus said, "He who is not against us is on our side."  And frankly, people who are down and out have had lots of experience with self-appointed prophets who have to turn every conversation into something about spiritual things.  Usually those experiences have not turned out very well for them - they have left every encounter like that feeling condemned (and definitely not encouraged to seek God).  

I speak to born-again believers in this blog because that is my chosen audience.  I don't post my Christian blog on social media to all of my friends, just to believers who are among my friends. (I'm sure I will get some flak for that, but do you really want unbelievers to hear something intended only to wake us Christians up and smash our preconceived notions?)  If you are the kind of believer who feels a responsibility or a compulsion to steer every conversation toward the Lord because He will be displeased or ashamed of you if you don't, this message is for you.  If you take nothing else from what I say, take this:  You are not the Spirit of God.  So, stop trying to do His job for Him.  

I know that we have been given the great commission; I am not disputing that.  However, I would rather live a generous and joyful life, being kind to people, and have them come to me and ask what it is I have because they want it (which has happened occasionally) rather than to shove God down someone's throat who is not ready to hear about Him.  The Hound of Heaven will not renege on people; people are His passion!  He loves everyone (not just the Christian!)  He is not willing that anyone should perish, but that all should come to repentance.  And it is HIS Goodness that leads to repentance.  His goodness.  Not our arguments and programs and posters and videos, some of which use extreme shock-value to condemn this or that practice (did you catch the word condemn?)  The Spirit of God is not about that.  He is about being good to people.  All people.

He reminds us - all of us - that He loves us.  No matter who we are, or what we've done,  He loves us.  Deliriously, unconditionally.  If your concept of Him is any different, remember that Jesus loved people - and He was only frustrated by those who were religious and who condemned others by insisting that they obey some set of rules.  

Photo: "Homeless Man" by
Mantas Ruzveltas at
www.freedigitalphotos.net

If Jesus walked the earth today, He would be spending time with the homeless, the pimps, the addicts, and the mentally ill far more than with the churched.  The reason is clear - they need Him! (The truth is, we ALL need Him, but it appears that some believers have forgotten that.)  He would not be engaged in spreading panic, hatred, and prejudice the way I have seen some believers do.  He would welcome the refugee, accept the cross-dresser, and listen to (and cry with) the pregnant girl who thinks her only option is abortion. 

When I see believers "standing up for righteousness" (which is the way some of them have chosen to veil their hatred for people who are not exactly like them) by posting condemnation and judgment all over the social media, I cringe because I know that they don't see how damaging their comments are to the cause of Christ.  I wonder - when THEY see a homeless person - whether they would spend time with that person and listen to his or her story, and buy them a coffee and a muffin, or whether they would not be able to get past their own nose (you'd smell bad too if you couldn't take a shower very often) - and even avoid looking at the homeless for fear of getting hit up for money (which they assume would be spent on booze). Or (as is often the case) whether they would prefer waiting until someone does something good, and then criticize the way that person does it.

I also know that it does no good to complain about something if you don't have a suggested solution.  So here is mine, for what it is worth; it might surprise you!!

Let yourself experience God's unconditional, passionate and accepting love for you.  Realize in your innermost being that it comes with NO conditions, NO rules, NO judgment.  Fully embrace that.  See Jesus on the cross as God's rescue operation for the whole world: past, present, and future - every person.  The more you experience His limitless, no-holds-barred love, the more you will automatically love as He does - and the less appearances, rules, and 'being right' will matter.  

No programs. No shoulds.  No musts. Just Him.  God's breath - Ruach El - surrounding, permeating you ... warm, loving, intimate, and generous.  Live from that perspective, know that He loves, and love does not judge ... and see your relationships transform, watch how God revolutionizes your attitudes.  It's amazing - and so freeing!  

Real change happens from the inside out.  In you, in me, and in them.  He's got this. So we can shed those heavy I've-got-to-carry-the-weight-of-the-whole-world shackles. It's so unnecessary.  I'm just saying.

The Sky is Falling

I saw something recently that made me do some thinking about an old fable I grew up with. What I saw doesn't matter, but the thinking I was doing started to turn into a blog post (as often happens) .... so here I am.

The tale of Chicken Little is the story of an alarmist young hen who one sunny day, got bopped on the head by a falling acorn and thought that the world was coming to an end: "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!" She told everyone she knew about it (Hmmm. Some people would call that "witnessing" - but I digress). Her alarm caused mass hysteria among all the fowl (duck, goose, turkey), and they all ended up being part of a smorgasbord menu for a fox who took advantage of their desire to go tell the king something they'd convinced themselves was something to be afraid of. 

Photo "Chestnut" courtesy of olovedog at
www.freedigitalphotos.net

This kind of thing happens all the time in denominations. Some perceptive (if unenlightened) person gets it into his or her head that such-and-such a belief is something to be focusing on. The word spreads like wildfire, and soon everyone is all in a dither about it, leaving us vulnerable to be the victims of deception - possibly even harming our spiritual lives in the process. We get our eyes off how the Son shines and gives everything life not only around us, but in us. We focus on the circumstances and base our belief on them instead of what we know to be true. We gad about and spread panic and havoc in our own lives and in the lives of others, over things that really just don't matter at all. 


And we put ourselves in danger. We add to what God says by creating rules and restrictions ... and then judge those who don't do the same. We feel threatened by someone who lives his or her life in liberty without feeling the need to toe the party line.  We judge that person: we like knowing what the rules are and that we're following them, so we limit our own freedom and aren't satisfied until everyone else is as uptight as we are. If they refuse to get uptight, we judge them because we feel threatened by a lack of structure, a lack of control. 

And control is key...  because we like to be in control, to have a say, to not feel at the mercy of something that is bigger and more generous and more powerful than we can imagine. We like to either put limits on it, or put requirements on ourselves to access it.

Such was the case with Eve (yes, Adam's wife.)  She wasn't aware of all the reasons God said not to eat of that fruit. She didn't think about how marvelous was His wonderful love toward her. She just knew the one rule of the Garden: don't eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Eating it would make her "die" - whatever that was - and that didn't sound good. So she felt that she had to add to that rule - and adding to it was her downfall. She figured that in order to not eat the fruit, it would be best not to touch it or to even go near the tree. Eventually she came to believe that even those things were forbidden and carried the same punishment. Along comes Foxy Loxy (the serpent) and says (in essence), "Look. I'm on the tree. I'm touching the fruit. Am I dead?" He planted that seed of doubt - and then came the clincher - "Maybe God's been lying to you all this time. Maybe He's holding out on you." It wasn't so much that Eve was convinced by the serpent; it was that she had allowed herself to get caught up in the trap of swallowing tradition as gospel, and made herself easy pickings for the deceiver.

It's no different today.  Just like the Pharisees of Jesus' day whom we all-too-quickly condemn, we add burdens and place restrictions on ourselves and on other believers... and even on unbelievers! I remember hearing one well-seasoned (pickled? stagnated?) believer express amusement at the zeal of a new convert, commenting (in an "isn't that cute" tone) "That's okay, this will pass." (Really?!)  Yet that same believer will be one of the first to sign a petition and/or carry placards when some politician tries to grant equality to all people (even the ones with whose lifestyles we don't agree) calling it an "attack on the sanctity of marriage."  Or object when there are too many "street people" in the church (whatever that means).  Or some such thing.

Seriously? 

I was brought up in the church from my infancy. And I've closely and seriously examined the teachings of Jesus ever since I was sixteen years old - nearly forty years ago now. Nowhere, and I mean NOWHERE, did He ever judge or condemn anyone who wasn't religious. Over and over again, He ate with and enjoyed the company of the dregs of society: tax-collectors, prostitutes, even non-Jews (Samaritans, Romans!) and never once did He condemn. He saved His scathing condemnation for those (like the Pharisees and Saducees) who used their religion like a weapon instead of a magnet, or for those who used their power to oppress (like Herod, and even then, only once!) instead of to protect the innocent. His teachings were more about living a quiet life in faith and love, rather than brandishing a spear and shield and tackling political and societal ills like some holier-than-thou Don Quixote. 

I've also examined our modern society at some length. We can say all we like about how it is broken and so forth, but it's pretty accepting of most types of people.  However, among the things it can't abide are dogmatism, hypocrisy and elitism - three things the church has historically been famous for, ever since 300 AD. It's one of the top criticisms that unbelievers have about the church. It's probably the main thing that keeps them away by the hundreds.

Photo "Sun In The Sky" by
graur razvan ionut at
www.freedigitalphotos.net

We're too busy yelling "The sky is falling!" in their faces ... and - unfortunately - in each other's faces as well. We run all over the place trying to get each other to be concerned and passionate over the same things we are, when God has clearly created each of us different from the other. And we burn ourselves out in the process of our search for sameness. 

We wear ourselves down and worry about keeping hold of things He's already bought and paid for. His yoke is easy and His burden is light - but you'd never know it to look at us. 

Maybe, just maybe, He allowed the acorn to fall from the tree, not to alarm us into trying to convince each other that we're right, or to warn us that we're doing something wrong, but so that we'd think to look up to the Giver of all things, realize that He is right here with us and loving us. Maybe we'd figure out that the Son is still shining, and just say "Thank You."

Asking permission

"Do not be hasty in the laying on of hands ..." - I Timothy 5:22(a)

It's happened to just about anyone who goes to a church that believes in the laying on of hands (either for healing or for authorization for ministry, ... there are more instances.)

There's something wonderful about the support that is expressed by touch. It can be a great source of comfort. 

However, it can also be a great source of DIScomfort. It all depends on who you talk to. 

I've lost count of the number of times and situations in various denominations where I've felt the need to go to the altar to pray. And within seconds after I get there, only wanting to kneel and talk to God ... I have gotten pounced upon by some well-meaning extrovert who only wants to impart some spiritual energy. 

Hmm. That kind of assumption has the opposite effect, quite frankly. Nobody ASKed me if they could do that; nobody ASKED me if I wanted to be alone; I had thought that by kneeling, it was an automatic gesture that I need to meet with God. Not His people. At least, not in that instance. However, I guess the one with a hot hand heavy on my back and shouting in my ear (oh, sorry, praying over me....) didn't get the memo. If I had wanted someone else to pray for me, I'd have gone up and stood in front of someone and ASKED. 

Not that I would. At least, not often. 

Asking for prayer opens me up to the personal opinions and pet doctrines of the person I ask to pray for me, because being "prayed for" or "prayed over" puts me in a very vulnerable position. Therefore, I need to implicitly trust that person. I don't usually trust people who assume that because they would like to be prayed for, that I would as well. Besides which, I've had too many people go all "Christian commando" on me ('taking authority' and 'binding the enemy' and all that stuff, stuff I used to do and sometimes still do - in private!) And then they get a whole group of people involved (as if by joining forces they can better twist God's arm). At that point I start to panic, and my simple need gets to be broadcast all over the place without my consent, when all I originally wanted to do was get alone with God and seek His face.

If I refuse their offer ... somehow that's not well-received.

I'd really like to be asked for permission instead of being TOLD to submit to some person's idea of "ministry." Just saying.

The same thing goes for legislated love. ("What in the world is THAT?" I hear someone saying...)

I like to hug people; I like to express my affection for someone, and I like it to be spontaneous. And most of all, REAL.  But an enforced hugging (that is, being told to hug or "love on" someone just because he or she is a believer) is, to me, like a social violation. Quite frankly, I usually absent myself from such exercises.

I'm kind of particular about the person or persons with whom I share personal space. To me, any social situation is riddled with risk. The only reason I go to church gatherings is to obey Hebrews 10:25 - not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together.  I am still SO not comfortable with mandated mingling. So I duck out. Or I stay in my seat. Or I go get a drink of water ... or go to the washroom or something, ANYTHING to keep from engaging in meaningless (and by meaningless I mean without meaningfulness) social babble.

Photo "Blue Butterfly" is used
with the kind permission of "dan"
at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 Let me contrast that with something that happened last Sunday morning. 

It had been a particularly rough week emotionally for me; I was (and still am) concerned about the health and safety of someone I love ... and the emotional pain and sense of helplessness has been excruciating. I was totally spent; I had nothing left emotionally, physically, even spiritually. I was exhausted in every way. 

And it was Thanksgiving. It sure didn't feel like Thanksgiving. 

Before the service, while the worship team was practicing, I saw someone I knew and chatted with her a bit. She asked about how I was doing and I knew that she really wanted to know. So I told her. Warts and all. She didn't judge me. She encouraged me, cried with me and hugged me. When she prayed, it didn't sound like she was blaming me or coming up with answers of her own, but just loving me and bringing my situation to Someone who loves me.

It meant so much.

During the service, the music was uplifting (even if it was bittersweet to listen to through the pain), and after the worship time, I leaned heavily on my husband's shoulder while there were some administrative things like announcements and offering, and then someone preached a very short but well-articulated sermon. When hubby left to go back up on the stage and finish up the service with the music ministry team, I let the music wash over my soul again. 

And as I got up afterward, another woman from our assembly was standing there in front of me - and she let me know that she had been praying for me and for my situation, and that she would continue to do so. It was very low-key, and very sincere, and it touched my heart. She asked about that situation (in a way that told me that she cared and that this wasn't a fact-finding mission to fuel gossip later) ... and I shared some information. Then she asked me if it would be okay with me (!!!) if she contacted a friend who might be able to help in some practical ways. 

I was blown away by her respect, by her genuine concern, and by her compassion and gentleness.

Other things happened that day ... among them, the choice of a particular song by a worship leader to sing in practice, specifically to speak to our needs - regardless of  whether we did the song in the service or not. 

Again, so special!

I'm still so thankful that every once in a while, God touches me in unexpected ways and shows me that He is still at work in His church -- that it isn't all about who can show to the most number of people that he or she is most spiritual. God uses real people to minister to real people who have real life issues. Hurting people want ... no, NEED ... that kind of reality. 

If only it wasn't so rare. 

God willing, maybe it won't be.

Goat-herds and shepherds

There is one major difference between a goat-herd and a shepherd, other than the fact that one herds goats and the other herds sheep. (For the purpose of NOT making this post difficult to read by putting a lot of references in to "his or her" - I'll just say "his" - you can assume I also mean "her" if that's what floats your boat.)

It's the manner in which each gets his charges to go where they need to be.  

A young goat-herd motivates his charges to move.

The goat-herd positions himself somewhere to the rear of the group and uses his stick to whack the goats on the side or the backside to drive them in the direction he wants them to go. His means of motivating his goats is external. Basically, he tells them with his stick, "You're not where you should be. Go there. Do that. Stop doing this." 

The shepherd, on the other hand, goes ahead of his flock. He calls to them and moves forward. The sheep trust him and follow willingly. He carries a stick, but it has a crook in the top to rescue the sheep who's caught in a thorn-bush, to hook around its neck or under a leg to pull it to safety. The other end - the rod end - is to ward off enemies; its use is for punishment. Rarely if ever does the shepherd use the rod on his sheep. His way of making the sheep go where he wants is by going there himself first, and they will want to follow; he doesn't have to whack them. They learn to trust the staff as an extension of his loving care for them, and be grateful that the shepherd is there to protect them from the predators with his rod.

In the church, a problem arises when shepherds, entrusted with the care of their flock, act like goat-herds. A sheep treated like a goat will end up acting like a goat: rebellious, inattentive, mistrusting, and stubborn. 

It is indeed frustrating to see people floundering around in their own free will and heading into danger zones. It is frustrating to see empty prayer rooms and altars full of bless-me Christians, overworked people in ministries with nobody to give them any respite, folks with seemingly nothing better to do than criticize those who ARE working their tails off, and interpersonal conflicts that nobody seems to want to resolve, each thinking that it's the other's responsibility to make the first move. The natural tendency is to want to yell at them, shake them, do something to make them behave themselves so that the desired result is produced. The problem is that for the most part, that kind of approach is met with even more of the same. People will become more stubborn, more needy, more selfish. It's the push-push-back reaction. 

It takes something of the divine to launch out in front instead, and show the way, to trust the results to God. For, as if I had to spell it out, it is not the shepherd's job to "make" his flock do anything. Effecting change in someone is not anyone's job but One - the One who is even now interceding on our behalf and who groans within each of us to transform us into better people from the inside out. Leading is a labor of love. And it's also an exercise in trust - trusting God and also trusting the people who are being led. Intimidation, sarcasm, and shame are weapons ... and not ever to be used on the flock. 

Lean on the staff

May I go a step further here and say a personal word about the notion that many leaders have regarding leadership? I am not merely speaking to pastors here. I am also talking to anyone in a position of leadership, from a church ministry to a parent to a coach.

One of the most powerful statements I ever heard from a pastor was this, "Don't be afraid to lead with a limp." He talked about Jacob - the time when he wrestled with someone a lot stronger than he was (who turned out to be what most Bible scholars call a "pre-incarnation manifestation of Jesus") and would not let go until He blessed him. This powerful being touched him in his hip (and blessed him when he would not let go even then, changing his name to Israël), and ever afterward, Jacob walked with a limp. It was a reminder to him that once God touches your life, you are never the same again. But it is also a reminder to us that vulnerability doesn't make you a weaker person; it makes you a stronger one because people see your desire to follow the Master even when it is hard, even when you can't do it as well as someone else might. 

That vulnerability keeps you humble, keeps you depending on God instead of relying on your own strength.  It prevents you from being arrogant and judgmental. 

Paul knew about this too ... most intimately!! He called his "thorn in the flesh" a "messenger of Satan to buffet me." Yet we learn from the book of Job that nothing happens without God's okay. So, when Paul asked that this hindrance be removed, God said NO. It was a sure bet that Paul's thorn in the flesh (whatever it was) hampered his efforts, limited his ability to do what he thought he "should" be doing. (See my series on "shoulds and oughtas" for an in-depth discussion of that whole topic, search for it on Get Unwrapped!) But God wasn't interested in how MUCH Paul did FOR Him but in how much HE could do in PAUL. Bingo. Here is the crux of the matter. God is only interested in conforming us into the image of His Son Jesus (Romans 8:29) and if the truth were told, THAT is the "good" that He causes all things to work together for (vs. 28). 

It's okay if the sheep see you limping, leaning on the staff once in a while. It helps them identify with you. Gone are the days when ministers, parents, and leaders needed to project the image of invulnerability, of "having it all together." That kind of image smacks of authoritarianism ... and makes the rest of us feel as though there's something wrong with us when we get tired, or bored, or frustrated with ourselves, when in fact, those feelings are perfectly normal and human. Or it might make us feel resentful that you seem to expect us to be carbon copies of you, when that's not necessarily what God has called us to be. Perhaps.

I would venture to say that the limp, the vulnerability, the weakness of which you are so ashamed, makes you a better leader. It gives you compassion. It helps you remember that the process of self-improvement ... or sanctification if you want to call it that ... is just that - a process. It isn't a destination and it is no human's responsibility to produce that in anyone else's life. It is an outflow of a relationship with God that bursts out of its little box and takes over more and more of an individual's life. It spills out over all other relationships: with self, with others. It is not your responsibility to make that happen. Quite frankly, it is God's.  He's been doing it for a very long time. He's probably qualified. ;)

So perhaps it's better to follow the Good Shepherd, pay attention to your own spiritual growth, and just live your life. He'll take care of the rest. And along the way, some people might see you following Him, and they might do the same, in a way that is unique to them. 

So much the better.

How to really love your neighbor

"Love thy neighbor," quips the old T-shirt, "but don't get caught."

We may find this amusing - or scandalous - but the kernel of truth in this is that a lot of people think that expressions of love are this great taboo.

I've heard so many sermons on love, how God is love, what the attributes of love are, the fact that we are called to love, that we should love everyone and pay special attention to loving our brothers and sisters in Christ (more about that in another post).  But nowhere have I heard any sermon on HOW to love. You know, the kind of love where the person you love KNOWS you love him or her.  And I don't mean romantic love or erotic love - I mean a fellowship of spirits, where each can be him or her self and feel safe in the other's presence.

There was a Christian doctor who wrote a book called How To Really Love Your Child - followed by the sequel, How To Really Love Your Teenager (Dr. Ross Campbell, ©1977 and ©1981) and I remember reading those books and thinking how the techniques he talked about could apply not just to children and teens but everyone we claim to love unconditionally - and that only a heaping dose of God's presence could ever give us the power to do it.

Because let's face it - as much as we want to love unconditionally, we just can't do that in a sustained manner in our own strength.  We are human, after all.  But God can give us that love for people, because He loved us first.  Because He IS love. 

It's not an original idea, but I keep telling anyone who will listen that we absolutely CANNOT give away what we don't have.  Trying to love someone will never work, no matter how much we think (or are told that) we "should."  Unconditional love, explains Dr. Campbell, works on a 'tank' principle, much like a gasoline tank in your car, except with emotions.  If a person's emotional tank is full, he or she is able to act in an appropriate and responsible way toward other people.  But if it's running on empty, that's when mistakes are made, and problems can start and can get out of hand. 

I would add that God IS unconditional love; it has its source in Him.  Paying attention to deepening our relationship with God is the first step in the process of loving others: it starts with letting Him love us, and trusting that love. I only say that because I've heard so many people skip over that crucial part and then wonder why "it" doesn't work for them. When our own tanks are full from God's inexhaustible reservoir, we have something to give to others, without becoming depleted ourselves. Filling someone else's tank out of a place of abundance is one of the most remarkable experiences there is.  I've used that one principle of "filling the tank" time and time again with my children, with amazing results.  It works - and it's awesome. 

Photo found at
http://bullysmarts.info/making_difference.html

Sometimes, though, there's a disconnect between actually loving someone from that fulness, and being able to express that love in a way that the other person can understand and access.  In essence, there's lots of love in the tank but the gas line is plugged. This is where the rubber meets the road - where we get to participate in God's plan.

Dr. Campbell also talked about that at length in his books and suggested a three-pronged approach to communicating love (in a nutshell: eye contact, physical contact, and positive focused attention).  This idea is very similar to a book that Dr. Gary Chapman wrote some thirty years ago, describing five love languages.  Learning what primary love-language the other person speaks can go a long way to knowing how to communicate the love that we have for that person in a way that he or she will understand.  The five love-languages (or the five ways people understand that someone loves them) are: 
(1) Words of Affirmation, 
(2) Quality Time, 
(3) Receiving Gifts, 
(4) Acts of Service, and 
(5) Physical Touch.  

I'm primarily a Words of Affirmation person.  My husband, on the other hand, is an Acts of Service type.  He had to learn to affirm me with words (which he used to feel were not necessary, just "fluff") so that I could appreciate his expression of love for me in other areas (in his own love-language, like when he does the housework, the yard work, and so forth.)  And - though it has taken me many years to "get" this, and I still have to work at it because I'm basically um, you know, lazy - he believes the affirming words I say to him much more when I make the effort to get up off my duff and do the dishes with him, or help him put together a BBQ or a piece of furniture. 

The bottom line is that expressing love to someone takes an investment that a lot of us don't think that we have: time.  Time to get to know the person, time to discover what makes him or her tick, and time to spend with him or her.  

And we never need to despair.  We have help.

Bumper-sticker Christians

A long time ago, someone gave me a bumper sticker that said, "My boss is a Jewish carpenter" ... at the time I thought that was a pretty clever conversation-starter. 

Then I started noticing bumper-stickers and optional license plates.  I started seeing - really seeing - the Jesus fishes, the "God is my co-pilot" stickers and my personal (non)favorite, "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven."  Aside from being amazingly one-sided and elitist from a doctrinal perspective (um, forgiveness is available to ALL, not just Christians) talk about a cop-out excuse for cutting someone off in traffic or behaving in other rude and crude ways!! 

Those bumper stickers, license plates and yes, even a lot of the Christian T-shirts out there all run the risk of turning off and driving away the very people they were originally designed to reach: you know, the unsaved. This is because there's an undercurrent of judgmentalism to them.  

I applauded a certain young man's right to wear his "Life is wasted without Jesus" T-shirt to class ... and I decried the school board's decision to suspend him for wearing it. To me, it seemed a blatant infringement on his human rights, his freedom of religion, freedom of speech. 

As I got more information, however, there were some elements to this story that I found very disturbing and frankly, pretty embarrassing to me as a Christian.  I have no doubt that this young man is very passionate about his Saviour.  I have no doubt that he wants to reach people with the gospel.  It wasn't until I saw his father, brandishing his Bible and ranting on about reading, writing and arithmetic (the 3 R's) that I started to see this in a slightly different light. Yes, the man had a right to be angry for the way his son was treated.  Yes, he had a perfect right to pull his child out of school. But the impression he was giving of the faith he espouses is one of a confrontational, condescending, condemning set of rules and regulations rather than the kind of acceptance Jesus offered and still offers to people.  Somehow we have gotten the idea as Christians that we have to be the Holy Spirit.  Nuh-uh. No way.  We walk in the Spirit - and WHEN He directs us to say a word on His behalf, we say what He directs us to say in that situation. Period.  And most of the time He will tell us to shut up.  Yeah.  Shut up and love people just the way they are. The same way Jesus did. 

Having talked to people who have experienced so much judgment, condemnation and yes, even hatred, coming from the Christian community that they have refused to have anything to do with the church or its people, I seriously wonder if these single-facet messages plastered over our cars - or chests - really do the cause of Christ any service.  And I also wonder if we rely too much on them and not enough on the Spirit to guide us in living lives that overflow the love of God in practical ways to all people - not just Christians, not just the unsaved, and not just people with whom we agree. 

Majoring on minors seems to be something we Christians are all too good at.  How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? should we hold one day above another or all days the same? should we be involved in lobbying, politics or education? should we play the lottery? should we abstain from eating certain foods? drinking certain beverages? ... the list of pointless issues is absolutely endless.  Might I suggest that we all concentrate on developing intimacy with God for ourselves and learn to recognize His voice, then ask Him to show us how we can best show (not necessarily tell) the love of Jesus in a practical way, and to show us who that person is ... today.

Shhhh - it's a secret!

It's well-guarded; it has to be.  We go about our lives; Sunday comes and we go to church and we put on a plastic smile, shake hands and interact with people while we talk about inane, superficial things that mean nothing, while the whole time we are aching, perhaps even feeling dead inside - misery washes over us in waves.  And we talk about how wonderful the Lord is, how blessed we are.

We're lying.  

We're afraid to tell someone (perhaps even ourselves) what our struggles are.  No matter what the struggles are, it seems!  Some fight a daily battle with addiction.  Others' family relationships are in the toilet.  Still another might feel so lonely that he or she is thinking about suicide.  Someone else might be bullied at school or at work.  And more people than you can shake a stick at, suffer from prolonged and deep-seated depression. Yes, in the church. Yet nobody says a word. We're afraid that on top of the struggles we are facing, the last thing we need is to be judged and condemned for having them.

And we know, instinctively, that we will be.  This is the thing.  Evangelical Christians aren't really well known for their accepting attitudes.  More Christians have been hurt in church or by church people than they have by their non-churched friends.  I know that's true in my life.  With rare exceptions, I prefer to be with people who aren't your traditional right-wing, conservative, evangelical born-again Christians.  There's just too much judgment out there.  Sad to say, I've participated in it on occasion ... the 'prayer chains' that are usually nothing more than glorified gossip networks, the snide comments about what someone was wearing today or how long the pastor spoke today, ... the list is endless.  You know when that stops? it stops when YOU're the one who is the target of all those nasty comments.  Then you find out what it feels like.  But I digress slightly.

The truth of the matter is that in today's Christian culture, nobody wants to hear your "in progress" story. That's not considered a testimony.  So it's, "Shhh! be quiet!"

This is the Christian world's dirty little secret.  Fundamentalist Christians don't want to hear the tale unless it's a "success" story that will make them ooh and ahh, that will support their little fantasies that everything turns out all right - and that's the good part, so why talk about the bad parts unless there's a happy ending?  They don't want to listen to the in-between details; they want you to go through your stuff on your own and then tell them about the miracle part. Cut to the chase. What? you're still going through stuff? there's been no resolution? you're having difficulty emotionally?  Well!! - that's not speaking in faith!!  

No, that's grappling with reality.  It's telling the truth, refusing to hide.  It's a desperate attempt to know God IN the struggle, to see if there is someone out there who might just BE there and not try to judge or change the person who's having a hard time coping, but to come alongside, to love no matter what, and to let the weary traveler know that he or she is not alone.  

It doesn't take much, really.  A few kind words spoken, even in passing.  Like someone did for me yesterday in a department store - just showing support and love.  I can't begin to describe the gratitude I felt for that.  No words are even necessary sometimes.  A warm hug speaks volumes.  It lets me know that the person is with me and not against me.  Goodness knows I have felt pierced, crucified by more than enough Christians who let me know by their absence, by them turning their backs to me or ignoring me, that they are against me.  

I know that feeling of judgment, of condemnation, of someone (in essence) shushing me because what I have to say is not worth listening to until I get my act together and can wind up a size six on some Christian talk show in a five-hundred-dollar skirt suit.  

Life doesn't work like that.  And it would sure help if we'd just be honest and accept people for who and where they are.

Asking

"Be anxious for nothing, but in every thing with prayer and supplication let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, shall guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  - Philippians 4: 6,7


I know a lot of people who think that the more aggressive you are in prayer, the more obligated God is to give you what you want.  They talk about "claiming" this and "taking authority over" that.  


I suppose that that has its place, when doing spiritual warfare, which is not something for brand new believers - heck, I know people who've been Christians for years and years who quail at the thought! And yes, in certain situations I have had to travail in prayer and fight spiritual battles for myself and for those I care about.  Sometimes it is necessary.  Especially when it has to do with really battling the dark forces that have oppressed or possessed someone.  Those things are not to be entered into lightly and they require a LOT of energy.  Operating in the Spirit in this way is very draining... it's not for the faint of heart.

Source (via Google Images):
http://jeri10-2009blogs.blogspot.ca/2009/06/thought-for-day.html

But when it comes to something that I want God to do for me ... or even for a close friend ... I've become more and more uncomfortable with the attitude of entitlement that is so prevalent in the church.  


You know what I mean: the idea that we're God's kids and He's got to give us anything we want in Jesus' name.  Hm, to me, it kind of smacks of a toddler throwing a tantrum in a grocery aisle because he doesn't get what he wants.  Just saying.  


What I've learned instead to do is to ASK.  Asking - instead of telling, instead of demanding - reminds me of several things, things I forget sometimes :


He is God ... and I am not. He sees the big picture.  I don't.


I am human - and He is not.  His ways are far above my ways.  If I were really running things, I'd screw it up big time.


I have permission to ask.  "Up until now, you have asked nothing in My name.  Ask, and receive, that your joy may be full," Jesus said.


Asking means I let Him decide.  I know that the answer can be "Yes", and it can be "No," - and it also can be "Wait."  Either way, my asking (not demanding) says to Him (and to me) that I am truly willing to accept whatever answer He gives.  


No pouting, no sulking, and no arm-twisting!  Manipulating God used to be one of my favorite pastimes. But it was such a lot of stress, because I honestly thought that the answer to my prayer depended on me saying the right words, quoting the right Bible verse, getting enough people to join me in prayer for this or that thing, or pleading long enough or intensely enough. What an incredible waste of time that was!!


Asking also means that since I am willing to accept whatever He decides, I can let go of it, quit trying to control the outcome, and let Him do whatever He decides to do.  This reduces my stress considerably.  Then, I can "let my request be made known to God" and then, strangely enough, "the peace of God, which surpasses understanding, will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus."  Hm.  Now where have I heard that before?   

With friends like you -

With friends like you, the saying goes, I don't need enemies.  

I know people whose idea of friendship involves:
-  intimidation
-  manipulation
-  control
-  power trips
-  using people to stroke their own ego via guilt trips, bragging, or insecurity and/or
-  not having to say they're sorry - ever.

I know other people whose idea of friendship involves: 
-  hanging out with the other person doing nothing but activities which the person wants (forcing the other to go along with it)
-  never wanting to talk about the serious stuff 
-  thrill-seeking, fun-mongering
-  sharing an addiction (drinking, smoking, drugs) or
-  gossiping about other people.


I know still others, and I prefer their company, whose idea of friendship involves:
-  talking about matters of the heart and the human spirit
-  treating the other person with respect
-  acceptance:  being who they are and allowing others to be who they are
-  seeking consensus on an activity without succumbing to the temptation to use peer or political pressure, and
-  seeking the other person's well-being.