Codependents are people who have been in a relationship with someone who is dependent on something: alcohol, drugs, religion, or even their own codependency, and who have learned to change who they are to suit what others expect them to be in order to survive that relationship. It spawns (ususally) a desire to "fix" people, to do whatever it takes to help or control or otherwise change the behavior of the person who is dependent on that behavior or substance. Nobody respects their boundaries, so they end up thinking that there are no such things, and they start tromping on the other person's boundaries. People can even think that this type of behavior is what "being a good parent" is all about. Instead, it is just harassing people and will drive them away from the very beliefs and ideas we want them to embrace!
What's worse, it can be passed from one generation to the next. A person who grew up in an alcoholic home, for example, learns to disappear, to cover up for the alcoholic, to try to fix their problem or make excuses for them, and in truth, secretly desires to change them to make their own lives easier. Those behaviors are, in essence, survival behaviors and they do seem to work ... while the person is in that relationship ... as SURVIVAL behaviors, ways to cope. These can range from manipulation, whining, complaining, nagging, victim or martyr type behaviors, and they are all designed to try to change the other person.
Once away from that relationship (children grow up and move away, etc.), the habit of needing to control others' behavior or situations translates into the same sort of habits in relationships with other significant people in their lives. And so begins the dark side of codependency. An attempt to control the other person will drive a "normal" person away rather than make them change. Tactics like nagging, tantrums, guilt trips, and such don't work. That need to control people and situations makes for a very unhappy person who feels trapped in an ever-closing circle of influence ... and the sad part is, the unhappiness is of their own making.
The way out is not easy. However, here are some things I have learned along the way.... because I am a codependent. I freely admit it! And I can say that I still struggle sometimes to let go of those old patterns. However, I have learned:
If you want to learn more about learning to live this lifestyle, go back to my main page and check out the link to my e-book, "Get Unwrapped!" It's very cheap to download.
What's worse, it can be passed from one generation to the next. A person who grew up in an alcoholic home, for example, learns to disappear, to cover up for the alcoholic, to try to fix their problem or make excuses for them, and in truth, secretly desires to change them to make their own lives easier. Those behaviors are, in essence, survival behaviors and they do seem to work ... while the person is in that relationship ... as SURVIVAL behaviors, ways to cope. These can range from manipulation, whining, complaining, nagging, victim or martyr type behaviors, and they are all designed to try to change the other person.
Once away from that relationship (children grow up and move away, etc.), the habit of needing to control others' behavior or situations translates into the same sort of habits in relationships with other significant people in their lives. And so begins the dark side of codependency. An attempt to control the other person will drive a "normal" person away rather than make them change. Tactics like nagging, tantrums, guilt trips, and such don't work. That need to control people and situations makes for a very unhappy person who feels trapped in an ever-closing circle of influence ... and the sad part is, the unhappiness is of their own making.
The way out is not easy. However, here are some things I have learned along the way.... because I am a codependent. I freely admit it! And I can say that I still struggle sometimes to let go of those old patterns. However, I have learned:
- All people have the right to be who they are and think what they think.
- All people have boundaries and it is important to respect them.
- It is important to let people make their own mistakes and bear the consequences of their own actions. It doesn't mean you don't care or that you don't help them pick up the pieces, but life has its own way of teaching lessons the first time around.
- Give options. Don't give advice. Anything that makes you the expert and the other person dependent on you is not what you want.
- "I told you so" is never to be part of your vocabulary.
- Respect and trust the ability of people to make their own decisions. Then they'll respect and trust your ability to make YOUR own decisions. That's how things work.
- Rejoice with those who rejoice; don't be jealous of them.
- Weep with those who weep; don't feel superior to them.
- Above all, accept and celebrate people the way they are, even if they are different from you.
If you want to learn more about learning to live this lifestyle, go back to my main page and check out the link to my e-book, "Get Unwrapped!" It's very cheap to download.
No comments:
Post a Comment