On September 6, 2026, at around 11:45, my husband lost his battle with cancer (see previous post for the type of cancer, etc.)
I always believed - rested my small faith in the faith of Jesus (Galatians 2:20 KJV, the word "OF") and spoke healing into my husband's body. And yet ... and yet, the cancer did not leave, but progressed. And it was the last site of the cancer, the stomach, that physically caused his death.
The official cause of death is "gastro-intestinal bleed secondary to pancreatic cancer with metastases" - such a clinical and cold way to describe such a vicious and cruel final act. And before anyone says, "God took him" or any of the other untrue platitudes like "God must have needed another angel" or any such nonsense, let me say this: God did not do this. The cancer did this. The cancer came NOT from God, but from the enemy of Neil's soul. And, for reasons that only. God. knows.... the cancer did not obey words spoken in absolute confidence - and I am now a widow.
A widow. The word itself seems awkward and strange.
I took the courage of Scripture that says, "I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD," (Psalm 118:17) and claimed Neil's healing. I still believe those words... even though his body stopped responding to treatment, I pair my belief with the following words: "I am the resurrection and the Life; the one who believes in Me, even if he dies, shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die." (John 11:25, 26). Jesus was talking about what makes us humans Eternal, like Him. He was talking about the spirit, the part of us that makes us, us.
Yoda from Star Wars (thank you George Lucas) put it like this: "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter," as he pinched his own flesh. I like that part of the original Star Wars trilogy. It reminds me that Neil is alive and well, and happier than he ever imagined he would be.
King David, who wrote Psalm 118:17 (above) also experienced a similar thing as the events of the last 3 months have been for me. He was told that his and Bathsheba's son was going to die. He prayed anyway. He fasted, he wore sackcloth and ashes (as was the custom in those days) to prove to God his love for his son and his desire AND HIS FAITH that the child would be healed.
But the child died. And his courtiers were afraid to tell him. Finally they did, and were amazed to see their king stand up, freshen up, wash himself and put on fresh clothes. When they asked him why this change in demeanor when his son had just died, David replied, "Now he is dead; why should I keep fasting? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." (2 Sam. 12:23)
Did David lack enough faith? No.
Did I lack faith? Did all the people who prayed for him? Did they? Was it because Neil didn't believe enough? or anyone?
NO.
I know that someday, God will reveal to me the reasons why Neil had to leave me. Maybe it was to teach me something. Maybe. Perhaps. Maybe even probably. I will learn ... when He (in His gentleness and mercy) knows that I am ready.
But I refuse to blame God, or Neil, or myself, or anyone else who prayed in faith, believing. NO. Neither is God's power diminished AT ALL.
The enemy, satan, is the source of this cruel and reprehensible disease. He is a thief. Jesus said, "The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy." (John 10:10) Jesus then said, "I have come that they might have life, and life to the full." Is Neil experiencing life to the full right now? YOU BET HE IS!!!
It was the Mercy of God that we saw so many mini-miracles throughout Neil's sickness: the relief from pain before he even went into the hospital (from 7 Dilaudid and 2 long-acting morphine pills per day ... down to a half a Dilaudid per day and only 1 long-acting morphine pill once every 7 to 10 days), the improvement in memory and in physical strength even when he was in the hospital, and most of all, the attitude that the love of my life had from the beginning - and I am quoting him here - "I am going to fight this disease. I am going to fight to stay with you as long as I can. But if I lose this fight - and I won't want to lose this fight - just know that I am in the Next Room, waiting for you to get there." (Neil, June 1st, 2026, upon learning the results of the CT scan that showed masses in his body.)
And it dawned on me yesterday or the day before that it was the Mercy of God that orchestrated Neil's going to the hospital on August 25th with a blood infection that took his strength from him. If he had been home and had that GI bleed, not only would we have lost him a day earlier, but we would have had to experience that traumatic event at home, and would never have been able to "unsee" that horror unfolding in our own house. In the hospital, he was well cared-for, got the treatments that allowed him to have that extra day with us (Sept. 5th) when his body responded to the transfusion and the fluids, a time that was so precious where we got to spend the whole day with him, laughing and joking as he got stronger and stronger. That day was a gift. We all needed that.
So it is with the pain of grief and the peace that passes all understanding that I write to you to say, "I shall go to him, but he shall not come back to me."
In fact, I know that because he preceded me in death, he will precede me in the Resurrection - unless Jesus doesn't come back before I join him.
And that is okay. It really is. It hurts, but it's okay.
I drew this at Montana's when my daughter's best friend took me there for lunch one day this week. The moment of the Rapture - the Resurrection and reuniting of Neil's glorified body with his spirit.
And Neil saying "Woop Woop" instead of "Woot Woot" ... as he always did.
