Building mighty walls

She's ten years old.  She has been coming to kids' church since she was three or four. And she has never felt like she fit in. 

She's not overly shy, but she thinks deep thoughts and feels things deeply.  She's a loyal friend - to those who take the time to be friends with her.  But people don't.  Not her peers, and not the children's ministry leaders. You see, they think of her as a troublemaker, even though she's not a bully and not misbehaving. She just wants to understand ... and a lot of things about what they are teaching don't make sense to her.  How, if God is love, He could command people to kill entire towns filled with people and animals (as He did in the Old Testament).  How, if God is just and wants only our good, He could let people die of cancer.  

Her questions are tough, but they are valid. That the teachers don't have the answers (nobody does) is not her fault.  But the frustrated teachers make her feel like it's her fault, that she is somehow spiritually defective for not taking things on blind faith. Because they disapprove of her, she thinks that God disapproves of her too.

Her parents are poor.  They cannot afford to dress her in the latest fashions, and sometimes the dresses she wears are stained in places, or there is a run in her tights.  She hates that she has to conform to a dress code, but she does it to please her mom and dad.  She doesn't tell them how the other girls in her class snub her because her clothes are not designer, how they wear things from the high-end stores and show them off to each other and to the teachers, and she watches wistfully from the sidelines while the teachers play favourites.  And after a few times of coming home and telling her folks about an upcoming event or activity (for which the admission fees are beyond her parents' budget) she doesn't even bother telling them about those things anymore.  

She is not slim like the other kids. She's kind of overweight.  She has health problems that have made her unable to be an athlete, and while she can keep up with them in the games in the gym, she doesn't excel and is not super competitive.  She feels keenly the rejection of the other children as they pick everyone else for their teams except her.  And more and more, the teachers pick events and group activities that revolve around athletic ability: skiing, skating, rock-climbing, and hiking, that pander to their favourite (slim) students.

The leaders also emphasize Scripture memorization and give candy prizes for bringing a Bible, and more candy for bringing a friend. She soon wonders if this - this expectation of performance, and the underlying idea that God is all about following the rules and not questioning - is all there is.  If it is, she must be a horrible person. But she can't stop the questions ... those unanswerable questions that make a lot of Christians uncomfortable.  After a while, the frustration of the teachers (and of their favourite helpers) turns to open animosity toward her.  She starts getting singled out and punished for things that are not her fault. 

She puts up with it only until it is considered legal to stay home without supervision... 12 years old. And then she lets her parents know how she feels.  Her parents, wisely, do not force her to keep going to a place where she feels attacked every single time she sets foot inside the door. 

The church workers had turned her against the church, and against God.  She did eventually have a relationship with God, but in spite of them, not because of them. And she still has a deep and abiding resentment against the church. 

Yes, the above example is based on a true story which really happened in a church that preached the gospel, taught that God is love and emphasized the infilling of the Holy Spirit. This church welcomed people of other races, and had outreaches to immigrant communities. The leadership seemed to bend over backwards to be welcoming toward people from diverse communities. 

So what went wrong in the children's ministry? Let me break it down for you.  

Racism is wrong.  It is wrong, wrong, wrong. And it hurts not only the victimized, but also the racists.  But there are other things that are equally as damaging.  And unfortunately, they are rampant in the church.

When you think of someone else who comes from a family that has a lower income than yourself as "less than" yourself, that is CLASSISM.  It's just like racism, only the "difference" is dollars, not skin colour. 

When you treat someone who is not as slim as you are as "less than", that is FATISM.  It's discrimination against someone on the basis of body type, and it hurts just as much as racism does. 

When you single someone out and punish them for things that are not their fault, exclude them, nitpick, contradict, or dismiss what they say due to one or more differences between you and them, that is BULLYING.  It has no place in the church. NONE.

When you reward children based on their performance (be that scripture memorization, Bible-toting, "evangelism" through dragging a friend to church) just so they can get some goodies, you send the message that God is more about people toeing the line than He is about loving people just as they are for the sake of loving them (i.e. that behaving is what life is about and that people are so depraved that they have to be bribed to behave). You are perpetuating RELIGION and undermining RELATIONSHIP.  You are saying that God has no power to transform people's lives and that they must obey rules to be accepted by Him.

God is not interested in religious robots.  He is looking for real people - warts and all - and by not accepting people (and children ARE people!) as they are, you are actually (a) encouraging the formation of robots and (b) driving away the very people that could bring life into the church and make the message that "God is love" really relevant to those in their world.

Photo "Teenage Girls Gossipping" by Ambro at
www.freedigitalphotos.net

Many (but not all) churches do not understand the dangers of these sorts of attitudes creeping in and destroying the sensitive spirits of those who are vulnerable, rejected, and searching for answers.  Many (but not all) children's ministries are carried out in the week-to-week reality by people who are undertrained, overworked, and sadly unsupervised. Children's ministries in mainstream churches have typically been treated as glorified babysitting services where one or two teachers have the responsibility of overseeing dozens of children ranging in age from (four or) six to twelve: an impossible and thankless task!  Plus, the unspoken purpose of many children's ministries is to get the kids out of their parents' hair while they do their [boring] adult worship/giving/sermon rituals in the sanctuary, and the only qualifications that the children's ministry volunteers have are (a) membership in the church and (b) a willingness to plunk their behinds in a chair for an hour once or twice a week. 

The fact is that those who work with children in a church setting are determining the future of that church.  If they display intolerant, insensitive, and bigoted attitudes, the children will get the idea that God is intolerant, insensitive and bigoted ... and some of them (most likely the ones who stay) will buy into that fallacy and get the idea that it is OKAY to be intolerant, insensitive and bigoted - and will pass this on to the NEXT generation.  

What am I saying? Simply this - it doesn't cost anything (except perhaps pride) to be kind and compassionate to those who are different from us in some way.  However, people need to be aware that these (and other) ugly attitudes do exist (and not just in the church) and that they need to be exposed for what they are.  If they are not, then be prepared for church after church to close their doors as more and more of the founding fathers and mothers pass away. 

We are - without meaning to, I believe - building mighty walls, as Russ Taff sings in "We Will Stand" (yes this is a link).  Can we not see that this is damaging to the cause of Christ? Can we not see that labels and liberty are incompatible?

The cycle must stop.  Those people who are drawn to (any kind of) ministry need to examine themselves and determine if they are prone to any of these (or other) attitudes.  Church leadership must invest resources into not just the technical (how-to) training of their workers, but also discipleship and sensitivity training.  Pastors and children's pastors need to just "drop in" unannounced to the kids' classes.  Children need to be given feedback tools (like a child's version of a suggestion box) to describe anything that made them feel unwanted or uncomfortable in class without being singled out. If we foster acceptance and discourage exclusion, maybe we have a chance of seeing our children embrace our faith ... instead of pushing them away from it.

Stop striving

I was at a gathering one day recently where the speaker passed around a whole pile of little devices. Each was essentially the same as the next. There were enough for everyone. 

Here's mine:

Trying to get out of the thumb cuffs -
an exercise in futility...

They are called finger traps, or thumb cuffs. (Some folks use an ethnic term in front of that - such as Chinese or Mexican. That kind of doesn't sit well with me.]

He told us to put a finger or a thumb in each end, all the way up to the hilt. Then to pull. Our fingers were trapped. 

The harder we pulled, the tighter the thumb cuffs got. If we followed our natural instincts to escape, there was none. 

The only way to escape the finger trap was to do the opposite: push those digits TOWARD each other so that the little tube would loosen. Then use the other fingers to remove first one side, then the other. 

Since that little demonstration, I've been thinking about all the situations that are exactly like that in our lives. There are so very many applications!! Dead-end jobs, complicated relationships, parent-teen struggles, and even our relationship with God or how we approach our spiritual life.

We get stuck in a certain mindset and it limits us in our thinking and reactions to things. Take prayer, for example. 

We know that God answers prayer. We know He has the power to do anything. A horrific situation arises. So we pray. And - as sometimes happens - nothing happens. 

Enter the finger trap. We think that it must be something we are doing wrong. So we pray harder. Still nothing. We fast. We ask others to join us in prayer. We do a Jericho march. We claim Scripture. And still nothing. The bands get tighter and tighter, and we don't know what's wrong. After all, God is perfect, so the problem must be us ... and yet we've done everything right, right? 

Maybe we even begin to doubt His goodness. But we push that thought away. No, that can't be it.  We must not be living right. We aren't spreading the gospel enough. We aren't reading the Word enough. We aren't serving in the church enough. The list is endless. 

We are well and truly trapped. All our striving has gotten us so bound up in rules and obligations. We find ourselves trying to twist God's arm, manipulating Him into giving us the answer we want. 

It doesn't work that way. Really. 

Prayer isn't about getting what we want. It's about relationship. Our relationship ... with HIM. His relationship with us. We keep striving, but what we need to do is to STOP IT. Relax. Let go. Know He is God - and we aren't!! Thank and praise Him for His presence through it all, accept that He will do what is best. And trust.

Trusting is the hardest thing; it means taking our hands off it, removing our thumbs from the thumb cuffs and letting Him be God. No matter what. 

No matter what... stop striving. (Psalm 46:10). We are weary and burdened. Let's let Him give us rest. (Matthew 11:28-30).

The Father's Grief

There is a story told in the New Testament of two sons; the elder stayed home and did everything his father asked, and the younger wanted to leave. 

In those days, upon the death of a father, the elder son got two thirds of the inheritance, while the remainder was divided among the younger sons. There was a provision in the law of the day that a son could ask for his share of the inheritance prior to the father's death - but requesting such a thing was, in essence, saying that the son desired his father's death. It was a very mercenary thing to do. Greedy. 

Many commentaries on this story look at the son leaving as the moment at which the son turned his back on his dad. 

Might I submit that this had happened long before the boy packed his bags - that the younger son had done nothing all of his life, or at least all of his teenage years, except to take whatever the father freely gave to him as his right, and still asked for more. He used his dad's name, his dad's wealth, his standing in the community, and that wasn't enough. He couldn't wait for his dad to die. And it wasn't happening fast enough. 

So he grabbed what he wanted and left the farm. 

From the dad's perspective, this son had turned his back on everything he had taught him. He robbed his dad of the help and care that would be his in his old age, by taking off and spending his money on frivolities and lascivious living. 

Did you know that the word "prodigal" means "wasteful"? It does! 

Did you also know that when a child in the Hebrew culture embraces a lifestyle with which the parent does not agree, the family has a funeral for him? That started many centuries ago and it still happens!

"Male Crying" photo courtesy of
David Castillo Dominici at
www.freedigitalphotos.net

The father in the prodigal son story grieved the loss of his son ... as if he had died. In fact, the boy he remembered, the child who doted on his father's every word, truly no longer existed. He'd been replaced by a petulant, prideful, pathetic individual who only looked after himself and who ignored or rejected all efforts to make him see the error of his ways. 

The father mourned for him. Perhaps for weeks, perhaps for months and maybe even years his heart ached within him. At sunset and often during the day, he found his eyes straying unbidden to the gate, the place where he had watched his son's retreating form walk up the hill, then disappear over the top of it.  

Over and over he thought about those last few months prior to his son's departure. He blamed himself for not being able to teach his son right from wrong. He wondered if there was anything he could have done to keep his son from engaging in such selfish behavior. All the arguments, all the bitter words, echoed through his mind. Shame and anguish engulfed him. Once in a while, he'd hear reports of what his boy was doing out there - and his spirit was distressed, the grief as fresh as the very first day. He wondered if there would ever be an end to the waste, to the selfish actions by which the boy's life was characterized now. 

Yet, he'd had no choice but to let go... as painful as it was.

In the meantime, miles away, it took the natural consequences of those selfish actions to hammer the boy's pride and self-absorption into submission. The process might have taken years; we are not told how long it was. 

But one day - one day when the former heir had thrown it all away and there was absolutely nothing left - he realized that in wasting his father's riches and resources, he had wasted himself. He knew he had given up the right to be treated as a son. He knew his dad had already had a funeral for him. He knew that he didn't exist. 

He was a non-person. A second-class citizen. A servant. 

Yes, he had in reality made himself a servant to his own passions, to the grips of excess and then to the bony grasp of poverty to which his self-centered behavior had brought him. 

His mind dwelt on servanthood; he knew a lot about it. His father had many hired hands - they had enough to eat and more besides, and a warm and clean place to live. True, their lives were at the beck and call of their master. Yet their master - the father - was good to them. They were protected, cared for, fed, clothed and housed.

He, on the other hand, was feeding pigs. Swine - the most disgusting animal a Jew could possibly be asked to tend. He smelled of pig feces; the odor is one of the worst in the world of domesticated animals. His clothes, his hair, his skin reeked of it. Yet he was so hungry that he gladly would have fought them off at close range to get the pig slop that they received. Yet, he wasn't even allowed to share the pigs' food. Nobody gave him anything. Not one thing.

He wasn't aware how deeply his dad had grieved; in fact, he'd convinced himself that his dad didn't care about him the way a dad cares about a son. He'd done too much, wasted too much. Especially himself. 

Yet ... he was desperate.

He'd go back to the homestead, he thought, and ask to be hired on as a servant. Living in the servants' quarters wouldn't be so bad. It would certainly be a lot better than what he was forced to do now. And it was a lot better, he reasoned, than he deserved. 

When he left home, he felt entitled to the life he thought he'd been denied. When he started back, he felt beaten. Used up. Worthless. 

He was desperate. He was willing to go to any lengths to have a better life than the one he'd chosen, the lifestyle that had turned on him and devoured him. 

Before he rounded the crest of the hill toward home, before he was amazed to find that his father welcomed him with open arms and reinstated him as a full member of the household, little did he know how many long nights his dad had held close to himself all that was good about his growing-up years, how profoundly and constantly his father had missed him. His company, his voice, his smile, his laughter. 

His heart. 

The relationship he'd abandoned, wasted in the dust on his father's front doorstep, was waiting for him when he returned. The father made that perfectly clear. He knew it - though the enormity of the dad's forgiveness and acceptance overwhelmed him - as surely as he knew his own name. The sounds of music and dancing had returned to the house. He was so very grateful.

He stole a glance at the older man amid the festivities.

His dad's face was wet with tears. But he was smiling from ear to ear.

Quiet: Testing in Progress

Have you ever seen these signs on a door when in an office building or a campus? "QUIET: TESTING IN PROGRESS." I have, frequently. I've even been behind a few of those signs - the one being tested, either individually or in a group of people writing the same test. 

From a site selling
all kinds of safety signs

Can I get away with saying that it's a lot easier being outside the door than inside? Can I even venture to say that it's a lot easier grading the tests (well of course it is: the grader has all the answers!) than it is taking them? 

It's so natural to slip into the role of grader - the one with all the answers, and therefore able and willing to point out another's mistakes - than it is to be the one taking the test and making the mistakes. I know; I do it all too frequently, and the results are ALWAYS bad. My problem is, I tend not to tell the person directly. I handle things in a couple of different ways. One is that I tell someone else and hope word gets back to them so they'll stop doing [fill in the blank]. If it does, by the time it gets there, it's all blown out of proportion - and feelings get hurt on both sides. Another way is that I don't say anything for a long time, and I let things build up and up and up ... and then one day I can't take it anymore and I say something snarky, and the person's feelings get hurt - and I end up looking like the bad guy. (Yes, I know that "snarky" is not a word. But it should be: snide remark = snark.) Plus ... that person never speaks to me again and gets others to see things his/her way, and a whole pile of people prejudge, and stop talking to me. This has happened most often in Christian circles (probably because that's where I spend most of my time outside work and family), but it's not limited to that part of my life. I have to conclude, then, that the problem isn't with Christians or with non-christians; the problem is with me. 

You know that moment before you give in to the temptation to justify yourself and make the other person look bad? Yes, I know it's temptation (which is never God's fault - it's the other guy's, you know, with the horns and the pitchfork - haha), but in a sense the circumstances surrounding that situation also constitute a test. I have a choice - call it multiple choice if you like - as to how to react to any given situation. The more I realize that, left to my own devices, I will ALWAYS choose the wrong thing ... the more I will leave the choice of what I do to God and follow what He wants me to do rather than what comes naturally. And therein lies the test part. It's not a test of character; it's a test of helplessness and dependency. As a human being, I like to run things. When I do, I inevitably mess up. It's as simple as that. 

I think that part of the answer lies in the first word of that sign I mentioned at the first of this post. Quiet. I think it was Solomon who said something like, "Even a fool, when he keeps quiet, is considered wise." The French people have a proverb or saying that sort of goes along with that: "Il faut y penser deux fois avant de parler" - which means, "Think twice about it before speaking." In this type of test, that's good advice for people on BOTH sides of the sign - inside (the one being tested) and outside (the one who is passing by, or passing judgment.) Quiet - think - pray first. I'm talking to my self here - the part of me that has to have her own way. I am so quick to react, to shoot first and ask questions later. 

King David prayed once, "Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips." (Psalm 141:3) If that prayer is not a great signpost, a reminder to be quiet, I don't know what is.

When it comes right down to it - the "testing in progress" is taking place on both sides of the door, just from different perspectives. Perhaps it's time to give each other a break and just ... do what the Sign says.

Squirm

Ever been "called" on something?  You know, when you've clearly done something wrong or at the very least, inappropriate or disrespectful? 

I was - today - by someone whose opinion I value.  OUCH.  I found myself trying to get this person to see my side, but the error was clear.  Eventually I had to agree that I had goofed royally.

This happens to me with annoying regularity.  I hate it when it does.  But I need to face the consequences of my actions.  Every time.

Whether we mean to do something or not, being called on something is never an easy experience.  What causes the most distress is that we don't like to admit that we were wrong, that what we did caused someone else embarrassment or pain.  We try to justify ourselves.

We squirm.

Site where you can find this pic

That's what Christians call "the flesh."  It's that part of us that goes all the way back to Adam.  Hiding in the bushes.  When caught, divert, blame, ... writhe in discomfort when the truth comes out.  Sometimes I wonder if we'd be in the mess we're in if Adam had just owned up to his rebellion - if Eve had just accepted responsibility for her part in the fiasco in the garden. 

Squirming has been hard-wired into our psyches ever since.  "Yeah but you see" comes out long before "Yeah I get it."   "Yeah but you see" comes with eyes averted, excuses, self-delusion.  "Yeah, I get it" allows us to accept responsibility, reduces stress, and lets us look the one we've injured - or our accuser - in the eye.

Admitting we were in the wrong is so much harder than we ever anticipated. But it is the only way to restoration.  

It opens the door to learning, to growth.  Hiding the truth from others, from ourselves, keeps us from learning from our mistakes because we balk at admitting we have made any.  Owning up to our faults, embracing our part in a hurtful situation, these things help us to develop and do better the next time. 

And there will be a next time.  That much I do know. 

Whose voice is that?

Sometimes I hear about people wanting to do outlandish things in the name of God.  Not just going across the street and talking to their neighbor (many of them wouldn't even consider THAT!!) No, I'm talking about leaving home and family, going to a very dangerous place and risking orphan-hood for one's children, seemingly just to prove a point and get outside one's comfort zone in a big way.  

God's in the habit of getting people outside their comfort zone, that's for sure.  Lots of people in history have stepped into some pretty uncomfortable places to do things that they were sure God had told them to do. The thing with that though, is that when God took the initiative and contacted them, they wanted to be SURE that it was God.  Gideon is a prime example. 

Now Gideon gets a bad rep for putting out that fleece. You know what? I think he was really smart.  I think that he had to be SURE that it was God talking because this was a big step he was going to take, delivering Israel from the occupying Midianites (who were some really nasty-and-not-nice folks, burning people's crops and killing their children, stealing their livestock, things like that.) God hadn't actually spoken to anyone through an angel since Joshua - several generations past - so Gideon was pretty insistent that he be sure it was God talking or he wasn't going to budge. That's a wise move, because he knew that things were going to get tough!! No way was he going to risk his life for someone other than God. And God NEVER condemned him for his fleeces, for they were set out with a burning desire to know the truth! 

Once convinced, though - nothing, no setback, no obstacle was enough to make Gideon doubt his calling.  He lived up to what the angel called him on the first day (ironically, while he was threshing wheat in a pit, at night, for fear of being discovered by the Midianites): "Mighty man of valor."  God came through for him, that time and every time.

But sometimes - these days when we are so steeped in tradition and complacency, when there seems to be no direction (or we just don't wait on God long enough to hear it) - some people just get fed up with the status quo and decide to take matters into their own hands.  They get this idea in their heads of doing great exploits, of making their mark, of challenging their limits, and nothing or no one can dissuade them that it is not God's will.  So they plow ahead and ask Him to bless their well-laid plans.     

This is insanity, pure and simple.  I wonder sometimes if these people are really only carrying out their grandiose schemes for shock value, to make a splash, rather than to really seek to do God's will.  The Scriptures make it clear: if God wants something done, He will provide the way; we won't have to chase after people and beg them to help us, fund us, or whatever.  We won't have to design a website, take out a full-page ad, go on the campaign trail, and/or do a telethon and play on people's sense of guilt and shame. God will open doors and HE will be better at it than we could ever be.  

If I hear a voice or get an impression telling me to do something completely radical that will affect not only my life but my husband's and/or my kids', I'd like to think that I would be more inclined to ask God for confirmation, like Gideon did, and more than just once!  It's not wrong to ask, "Is this really You? Show me in a way that I will know for sure!"  And, "If this is not You - show me that too, because unless You lead the way, I don't want to go any further."  

If the voice I hear isn't God's but my own imagination of what I think He wants (or someone else's idea, could be another believer's and it could even be the enemy's!) - and I go ahead like gangbusters - I am guaranteed that I will fall flat on my face.  It's a sure thing.  That's why I would want to be absolutely sure of His leading.  And if it is Him... I would want Him to lead the rest of the way too, instead of me going off half-cocked and lousing up what He started.  And I have.  Way too often. 

It's so much better to be able to know and recognize His voice when He speaks.  The more we recognize it, the faster we can get to the letting-Him-lead part.  

And that's the exciting stuff. 

Asking

"Be anxious for nothing, but in every thing with prayer and supplication let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, shall guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  - Philippians 4: 6,7


I know a lot of people who think that the more aggressive you are in prayer, the more obligated God is to give you what you want.  They talk about "claiming" this and "taking authority over" that.  


I suppose that that has its place, when doing spiritual warfare, which is not something for brand new believers - heck, I know people who've been Christians for years and years who quail at the thought! And yes, in certain situations I have had to travail in prayer and fight spiritual battles for myself and for those I care about.  Sometimes it is necessary.  Especially when it has to do with really battling the dark forces that have oppressed or possessed someone.  Those things are not to be entered into lightly and they require a LOT of energy.  Operating in the Spirit in this way is very draining... it's not for the faint of heart.

Source (via Google Images):
http://jeri10-2009blogs.blogspot.ca/2009/06/thought-for-day.html

But when it comes to something that I want God to do for me ... or even for a close friend ... I've become more and more uncomfortable with the attitude of entitlement that is so prevalent in the church.  


You know what I mean: the idea that we're God's kids and He's got to give us anything we want in Jesus' name.  Hm, to me, it kind of smacks of a toddler throwing a tantrum in a grocery aisle because he doesn't get what he wants.  Just saying.  


What I've learned instead to do is to ASK.  Asking - instead of telling, instead of demanding - reminds me of several things, things I forget sometimes :


He is God ... and I am not. He sees the big picture.  I don't.


I am human - and He is not.  His ways are far above my ways.  If I were really running things, I'd screw it up big time.


I have permission to ask.  "Up until now, you have asked nothing in My name.  Ask, and receive, that your joy may be full," Jesus said.


Asking means I let Him decide.  I know that the answer can be "Yes", and it can be "No," - and it also can be "Wait."  Either way, my asking (not demanding) says to Him (and to me) that I am truly willing to accept whatever answer He gives.  


No pouting, no sulking, and no arm-twisting!  Manipulating God used to be one of my favorite pastimes. But it was such a lot of stress, because I honestly thought that the answer to my prayer depended on me saying the right words, quoting the right Bible verse, getting enough people to join me in prayer for this or that thing, or pleading long enough or intensely enough. What an incredible waste of time that was!!


Asking also means that since I am willing to accept whatever He decides, I can let go of it, quit trying to control the outcome, and let Him do whatever He decides to do.  This reduces my stress considerably.  Then, I can "let my request be made known to God" and then, strangely enough, "the peace of God, which surpasses understanding, will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus."  Hm.  Now where have I heard that before?   

Leaving and Cleaving

One thing I've heard a fair bit about lately - from various (married) sources - is the idea that one's "home" is where one grew up or where one's parents live.  

While I almost envy folks who have a good relationship with their parents, I think I would draw the line at the thought of having one's homing signal beeping out from smack dab in a parental home.  I'm talking mostly about the loyalty factor but also about the idea that it's okay to live with "Mum and Dad" after starting a conjugal relationship with someone else.

I understand that for some, this is the only solution financially.  But having lived with a parent after marriage (either in the parent's home or having the parent live in mine) I can say from experience that it can be (and very often IS) problematic to share control over a household in that manner.  Nobody knows who is in charge or has the final say, especially if there is (gifted or loaned) money involved.  Styles of household management differ.  Methods of parenting are very often a topic of friction.  And then there's the uncomfortable dynamic of parents taking the side of one or the other of the adult children who are living under the same roof, during an argument.  Not to mention the temptation some parents have to criticize everything the daughter in law or the son in law does and yet not lift a finger to help.  Or to do everything for the child and in so doing, "take over" and not let their child be independent.  But I shan't go there today.  

The model of multi-generational households has been around for a long time. The Jews in Jesus' day, for example, helped their children get a good start in their marriage by the son being allowed to build on to his parents' home or build a house on his parents' property, and set up housekeeping.  But it was never meant to be reason for one generation to meddle in the affairs of the other.  

The natural order of things is for the children to grow up, move out, and start their own family unit.  Jesus quoted Genesis 1 (ahem, that was BEFORE the Fall of mankind!) when He said that the original intent was for a man to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.  The same could be said of the woman - that she would leave her father and mother and cleave to her husband.  That means that "home" is now with each other. It is NOT in the parental house. It's in the wedding vows by the way... "...forsaking all others..." could just as easily apply to the birth family as to previous boyfriends/girlfriends.  

Source:  (from Google Images)
http://triadmomsonmain.com/_blog/My_Blog/post/
Is_Your_Mother-In-Law_a_Marie_Barone/

 Even if not living with "Mum and Dad," the parent-child (or the in-law) relationship can wreak havoc - as can the idea that the person's locus of identity is not in the nuclear family (i.e., with the spouse and children) but with the birth family.  

Many people DO have good relationships with their parents and in-laws, and their siblings and their spouses for that matter. Congratulations if you are one of them!! But I've seen it happen:  the fastest way to wreck an intimate spousal relationship is to have too close of a relationship with the parents.  The kind where - for emotional support - one turns to the parent rather than the spouse, the kind that complains about the spouse to the parent,  ... a friend of mine calls this "up your nose" relationship "spousing" (an interesting and descriptive term which I've found useful.) This can be done with parents, friends, relatives, children, even co-workers ... and it is always unhealthy. I've even known people to practice "spousing" at church.  In fact, one husband yelled - as he threw a Bible across the room in a fit of temper - "Why don't you just take a bed and LIVE up there?"

How long has it been, I wonder, since I've gone to my husband FIRST and asked HIS opinion on something I was thinking about?  Since I've taken HIS side in a discussion?  Since I've chosen time with HIM over time with another family member - or time with 'the girls'?  Since I've gone where HE wanted to go?  Since I've told him that my home is with HIM and not somewhere else?  Since I've expressed to him how very much I love HIM? 

It's well worth thinking about.

Our Cross to Bear

I heard it a lot when I was growing up.  Usually it was said by someone who was referring to parenting us kids.  "Oh, it's my cross to bear, I guess."  I heard it so much it made me sick at heart, wounded in spirit.  It was so NOT that person's cross to bear - the meaning of that term completely escaped not only that person, but every person I ever heard use that kind of statement when I was a child.  Of course, at the time, that's the only context in which I heard it, so I didn't know any different.  

Now I do.  A "cross to bear" does NOT mean some sort of situation that is inescapable, seen as a punishment or (at best) a test from God.  That would be what is known as a "trial" and as I've said before, those happen to everyone, Christian or not - and it's our response to them which can repel or attract another person from or to the God we serve. Certainly the statement (and tone) I heard growing up was NOT one which would attract someone to God. The only ones who were attracted to it were those who also considered their children to be a punishment from God for having (worse yet, enjoying) sex.  Pardon my bluntness.  


But it had nothing to do with having a cross to bear.

A cross to bear - in Jesus' day - meant certain death.  It wasn't (as is the trend today) some ornate decoration hung around the person's neck on a 14K gold pendant.  It was the harbinger of doom.  It was the guarantee of execution. It was bloody, gory, and repulsive.  Nobody wanted to think about the cross.  Yet - Jesus told His followers, "Unless a man (He's talking in the generic sense here) deny himself, pick up his cross, and follow Me, he can't be my disciple." Those who heard that were affronted - they were in this for the glory of the coming kingdom when Messiah would overthrow the Romans and set up His kingdom on earth.  And Jesus was saying they'd have to pick up a cross?  the very symbol of the ultimate victory of Rome?  

Of course He didn't mean that they (or we) should all be crucified literally.  They were on a hillside, and Jesus wasn't carrying a cross at the time.  Jesus spoke much of the time in metaphor. He was talking about a heart-attitude - as He usually did.  The attitude He spoke of was one that was:

1.  Single-minded.  Following Jesus takes commitment to going wherever He leads, no matter what.  Even if He leads to places that can be uncomfortable. Or even dangerous. Here I'm not talking about suffering for suffering's sake.  I'm saying that the choices we make as Christians may put us in conflict with the world system, and this might turn out to cost us something - either financially, socially, or - in some cases - physically.  Some of Jesus' followers actually WERE crucified after He went back to heaven.  Some were martyred in other ways, the ways limited only by human imagination, all throughout history.  Some even today have lost jobs, families, freedom, even their lives for the sake of spreading the message of the gospel (the good news.)

2.  Self-sacrificing.  Again, here I'm not talking about making a show of giving up this or that thing in our lives and "playing the martyr" to get attention or some sort of reward.  I'm talking about giving up our own selfishness (this only made possible through the power of the Holy Spirit) and choosing what He would have us to do.  Some people call this "doing the next right thing."  It means admitting when we are wrong, and taking steps to make amends where necessary.  It means being honest with ourselves, with God, and with others.  It means "putting to death the deeds of the flesh."  All that means is that we give God the final say over our desires, our motives, our life-focus. As we do that through His empowering presence inside of us, not by enforcing a lot of outward rules and regulations but allowing Him to guide us, we will find that self-seeking will slip away and we will be more interested in serving rather than in instant gratification.   

3. Sustained.  The more we allow God to lead us and to move in our lives, the more we will realize that we cannot do anything... ANYTHING ... in our own strength.  We will come to understand that it is God's strength alone that allows us to continue at all, because trying to live this life He has set out for us in our own strength is absolutely impossible.  Only His indwelling presence - and a daily all-day-long application of that presence - can give us the power to carry out His will. We can't just up and say, "Okay God, I think I got this licked - I'll take it from here," because every time - every single time - we will fall flat on our faces.  It never ceases to amaze me the number of ways that that completely selfish part of me rises up and tries to delude me into thinking I'm letting God run my life, when it's actually me behind the curtain with the remote control pushing buttons and levers like crazy. (It's like the Wizard of Oz, saying, "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!")  And then I wonder why God's not coming through for me.  During the rare times when I single-mindedly sacrifice what I want on a continuous basis to Him and to what He wants for me, the power is there - inexplicably - to live life fully, in love, joy, peace, faith, and so much more.  

And the most amazing "God-moments" happen without me trying to "make" them happen.

My cross to bear is not one of duty-based deprivation or of penury (pauperism).  It is an honest, open, and willing acknowledgement (which bears fruit in action) that in every situation, God is God... and I am not.