Monday, April 1, 2013

Getting Desperate

I'm broken.

I lived in denial of that fact for a lot of years - especially as a Christian. Yet, it's true; I am irreparably flawed and there is nothing at all that I can do to change it. 

No matter how hard I try, I can't live the way I know God would like me to live - at all times selfless, loving, patient, gentle and joyful.

It's not humanly possible. 

I've lived through my own stage of the "speak it in faith sister" stuff. It doesn't work. In fact, whenever I said I was victorious while inside I knew I wasn't, it killed me more inside ... because I knew I was lying, no matter how many spiritual words I used. 

I can't be better than Abraham - whose only claim to fame was that he believed what God said to him. People who do the "speaking in faith" thing .... might forget that "speaking those things that be not as though they are" is a prerogative only reserved for the Creator. I did, and in my arrogance I spoke in faith (that is, I lied) believing that what I said would come to pass - but - I am not God. 

That is what I have learned. 

I am not God. 

My desire to please Him has not diminished; it never has dimmed. If anything, it is more than it ever was. However, I've realized that I simply, unequivocally cannot do it. I just can't. Learning this was a severe blow to my pride, but it planted a seed of something uncomfortable (yet so necessary) in me. 

Desperation. I need Jesus. So. Very. Much.

"Down on my knees, that's where I learned to stand" go the lyrics of one of my favorite gospel songs (from a few decades back). Those words say it much better than I can, how will power and living in denial are so insufficient. I had to reach a point where I depended on Him for everything. Not with an attitude of entitlement (like "God you Have to give me this because I'm Your kid!") but asking Him and then trusting Him to decide what's best for me.

The more I realize how much I need Him - for every breath, for guidance, for the strength to do every single "next right thing" in front of me - the more desperate I get for His presence on a moment-by-moment basis. 

Besides, if I could do it on my own ... why did Jesus have to die, anyway?

I invite you to listen to Charles Johnston and the Revivers sing that song.

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