Friday, April 18, 2014

An open door

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; 
but often we look so long at the closed door that we
do not see the one which has been opened for us."
                                    ~ ~ Helen Keller

The last few years in my walk with God, I have felt Him leading in a certain direction and I've been looking for opportunities to step into what I believe He wants me to do (at least in part.) I naturally assumed that He would have me do these things in my own local church, but whenever I mentioned it to someone with the power or clout to make something happen in that area, it always fell through.

Numerous times this happened, and I began to get really frustrated because I KNEW I could step into this area and meet a need that I saw. Alas, it was not to be. And then frustration turned to anger when my perception of events and decisions made by those people started to feel ... personal. I even went to the extreme of attributing motives to the people who were involved. 

That's a dangerous occupation. I don't think that this is what is meant by the "gift of discernment." 

Anyway, about six or seven months ago, I again asked the powers that be about this thing i wanted to do, and I got 'no' for an answer. Again. Finally, I just got fed up and said that this was the last time I would ask about it. However, both their decision and my reaction to it didn't sit well with me. I worried over it, gnawed on it like a dog with a bone. And finally, maybe about a month ago, maybe less, I finally made peace with my inner turmoil and let go of what I had thought was God's specific will.

I know people don't name their guitars, but I do.
This is Penelope, named after my 6th grade teacher
whose enthusiasm inspired me.
I (in essence) took the restraints off God's hands. "Okay," I told Him. "I'll give it to You. If You want me to do this, then it'll have to be You that sets it up. I'm done trying to make it happen, thinking that it's Your will. It might still be, but this is ridiculous.  So ... YOU do it." 

And nothing happened. Things stayed the same. Except ... except that I changed. I found myself letting go more and more.

That was right about the time that I was just minding my own business and trying to read some scripture off by myself while the worship team was practicing in the sanctuary one Sunday evening, and in popped the pastor to the office where I was sitting. We struck up a conversation as he was getting more bulletins printed off and folded (I lent a hand). He was organizing a women's conference at the church and he wanted to know if I'd be interested in doing a breakout session at it. 

I told him I'd pray about it .... which I did .... and when no indication came from God to NOT do it, I agreed. It wasn't an area of ministry I'd even considered before. Hence, here was an open door I would not have been able to see if I hadn't given up obsessing on the old one being closed at that time.

And (okay, God's got a sense of humour) today, someone approached me after the Good Friday morning service, and asked me to do the very thing that I had felt God leading me to do for so very long ... in a different church. As a guest. 

Huh. Go figure. 

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