Friday, September 27, 2013

Right where I need to be

Many times over the last several years, I've struggled with the concept of knowing what God's will is for me in a given situation.

I've wrestled with what the right choice is. I've made a choice and second-guessed myself all over the place. There have been times that I have asked for a sign from God - something only I would recognize - and although I've been taught that is a bad thing to do ("demonstrates a lack of faith") I've not felt any condemnation ... at least not from God. In fact, I'm pretty sure He was fine with Gideon's requests (where we get the term "putting out a fleece") because once Gideon was convinced that this was God ... there was no stopping him!

All that aside, I still fight uncertainty. 

And lately, I've been having yet another moral dilemma. I have spent a lot of money lately on my youngest daughter. A LOT. The money just disappears into this proverbial black hole and nothing comes out. She is starting a new life in another province and I have poured funds into helping her get on her feet: more funds in the last 3 months than some people make in a year. 

I have heard the nay-saying voices in my head. The voices that sound like they are speaking sense to me, tell me that I need to let go, let her sink or swim. But ... something inside rebelled against that.

I've sunk before. I know what it feels like. And I can't swim.

If I hadn't poured that money into that situation, the miracle that never would have happened here, happened way out there in Alberta. Without my input!! (Please see my last post, called "Outside the box".)

Image "Giving To The Poor" courtesy of
David Castillo Dominici
Yet, the fact was that I had exhausted my tuition fund, and put myself in debt, to help her out and make sure she was safe.  I didn't know what else to do; I had spent so much money and now I was looking at spending even more for possible tuition for trade school for her. Then her landlady kicked her out - gave her 1 hour's notice and that was it. 

She was homeless. Living in her car.

I was desperate. The heavens - when I prayed (and I prayed a LOT about the financial situation) - were not saying anything.  So then I did something pretty drastic. I asked people for help. I created a fundraising (crowd-funding) website with donation buttons and the whole shebang. Promoted it on Facebook. Twitter.


I put my heart out there and made myself vulnerable. I even begged for help; I humiliated myself for her sake. 

And .... nothing. 

Once I did that ... once I had opened myself to attack (i.e., yet further judgment) ... she got a job. A serving job at a fair-sized restaurant. And with renewed vigor she looked for an apartment. 

I took from that experience (and no, she still hasn't found an apartment; she is still living in her car) that God would have me open myself to people ... only to have me realize (as a lesson from Him) that people aren't my source. 

I say again: human beings aren't my source.

HE is.  All He wanted was for me to be desperate enough to make a fool of myself for love... and to realize that only He can meet my needs. And they are MY needs. I know that now.

And so, over the course of the next couple of days, I will be removing my fundraising campaign from the web, taking down my donation buttons, and packing up shop that way.  My support of my daughter is something that I choose to do ... for my own reasons, which don't need to be justified.

Just so you know.

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